Boundaries are in place at an early age. for instance, when we reach for the hot stove and are told, "No, hot." Boundaries are there for our protection to keep the good things about ourselves inside and the damaging items out.
Abusive people will often cross boundaries and twist the boundary crossing around to blame the other person once they complain about their behavior. Abusers most often do not take responsibility for their actions; if or when they do, it is short-lived and ends up twisted again to be the other person or people's fault.
How do we keep our boundaries intact and protected? We do this by recognizing when someone is crossing our borders or that we have taken down our borders for the other person's benefit.
One example of boundary crossing is gaslighting.
Gaslighting positive and negative crosses our boundaries. When it is negative gaslighting, they may say things like. " You didn't see, hear, smell, taste, touch, experience, or are not intelligent enough to know what you experienced or said." When it is positive gaslighting, they may say things like. " Wow, I have never met someone so in tune, so intelligent, so brilliant, and you can do so many things." When it is positive gaslighting we tend to lower our borders and let that person in the gate to our heart. When it is negative gaslighting we tend to turn it inward and blame ourselves for their bad behavior. When we recognize gaslighting, we should call it out or walk away immediately.
Why are having boundaries important? Because it keeps us intact and safe. Boundaries should not be removed or unlocked for our protection. We may not remember why we have a boundary in place, but the abuser's behavior will remind us.
Written by: Bethany Byrd
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